July 4, 2025

For as long as I can remember, I have skimped when it comes to myself. If there was something I wanted, I would either talk myself out of it or try to find the least expensive version. Spending money on myself was an uncomfortable luxury that I found myself more often than not convincing myself I didn't deserve. Consequently, if I did make a purchase, I would ultimately end up not just second-guessing my decision, but in some cases, regret not going with my initial thought or desire, and I would end up with a case of buyer's remorse. And if I decided not to get what I wanted, then I would end up frustrated with myself for not doing so.

When it comes to spending money, it has always been so much easier for me to bless others, always trying to find the perfect gift or card. If I opted to give money instead, no matter the amount I give, I always feel like it's not enough, not because the recipient expects more, but because I want to give more. God has placed in my spirit a desire to let the people I love know that I love them, and that means not just saying it, but putting those words into action. When it comes to others, it's easy, because I feel and believe they're worth it.

I believe the Lord had been working on me for quite some time, helping me to realize that, just as I believe others are worthy of blessings, I, too, am worthy of blessings. God wanted to show me that because He loves me, He is my Provider, and He wants me to have the things that bring me joy, I should never shrink back from all that He has for me. In fact, in James 1:17, God tells us that, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights." And since He promises that "No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11), I have no reason or right to doubt that I can have the desires of my heart, according to His perfect will. Therefore, every good thing that I am to have is a blessing from the Lord, and as long as I acknowledge Him in my purchases, He will tell me whether something is for me or not.

Once I finally reached the understanding that when it comes to myself, I should treat "me" just as special as I treat those whom I love, I began to seek out those things that bring me the joy that I desire and that I believe the Lord wants me to have. What I came to realize is that some of the things that bring me the most joy are so simple, while others are somewhat unique:

• Several months ago, I resumed an old practice of buying myself roses every two weeks so that I always have fresh flowers on my work desk;

• I've started hitting the heavy bag again, something that I had started a couple of years ago and paused for a while;

• As a lover of horses, I go on at least one horseback riding excursion a year, appreciating not just the beauty of being on such a powerful and amazing creature, but being completely away from the noise of the city, and the noise in my own mind;

• Every year for my birthday, I take one day just for me and God, having either breakfast or lunch, sparing no expense;

• This one I'm ashamed to admit, but will put it out there anyway: If I have ever cooked a steak, it has been more than 25 years! Yesterday, I splurged on a 14-ounce grass-fed filet mignon and, with the help of YouTube and advice from several trusted people in my circle, learned how to grill it in an air fryer! For this one, I went all out, even purchasing a set of imported "dipping" bowls for the steak sauce, and toasting fresh-baked sourdough slices slathered in garlic, Parmesan, and basil butter. 

These points may not seem like much, but it's a long-overdue start in the practice of self-care. Why? Because God says I'm worth it, and I have to believe it. 

NOTE: I was up until 3AM working on this post, so if you happen to see any typos, please be kind. Once I start writing, I don't stop until I've gotten everything out.