October 6, 2024

You may have heard the phrases, “Hurt people hurt people” and “broken people break people.” I learned the hard way, by experience, that these statements are, unfortunately, true. In dealing with the debris of at least two of these experiences simultaneously, and another later, I’ve come to learn that these statements sum up the underlying cause of narcissistic behavior. This behavior is rooted in pain, feelings of inadequacy, anger, rejection, and a host of other negative or even traumatic experiences. Much like the bullies we hear and read so much about, narcissistic behavior is bullying on an adult level. To put it plainly, narcissists may very well be what childhood bullies grow up to be.

In dealing with people exhibiting narcissistic behavior over a number of years, I have come to not only identify the behavior more quickly but also to understand the “why” behind the behavior. While I am in no way an expert on the subject matter, I have had enough experience to be able to share my observations, opinions, and information on how to potentially diffuse a narcissistic situation.

Throughout my years of experience with narcissists, I've come to the realization that no matter what a person (target of the narcissist, hereafter referred to simply as "the target") does, how much he or she knows, level of education and accomplishments achieved, or how much that person tries to keep the peace, it will never be enough or good enough. Narcissistic individuals seek to validate themselves as being superior over their target by using false narratives, lies, accusations, and a false sense of urgency. Consequently, the narcissist will invariably find fault even when there is none.

One of the worst forms of a narcissistic situation is one wherein there is an obvious abuse of power. In such cases, the scales are tilted on the side of the narcissist, and that person will assert unyielding control. It is not uncommon for the narcissist to gaslight the target, meaning, undermining and criticizing everything the target does or says. Eventually, the target will begin to doubt his or her own abilities. The narcissist’s primary objective is to either break the target or break the target down, cause them to give in, and in extreme cases, cause that person to give up completely. It’s almost like a game of winner-takes-all.

Speaking of narcissists in general, common, classic characteristics will show that they always feel the need to be right and have the last word. They will rarely if ever accept accountability because they don’t believe that rules and policies that apply to others apply to them.

Another thing to note about narcissists is that they tend to run hot and cold. One moment they can be personable, laughing, and even pleasant to be around. However, such pleasantries are short-lived, and they are soon back at the cat-and-mouse game.

Narcissists must have complete and total control, and they despise being challenged. They will examine everything the target says to find “holes” (asking the same question multiple times but in different ways) in an attempt to undermine the target’s credibility. Ultimately, they will have the target questioning his or her own capabilities, to the point of even wondering if he or she is overreacting or being overly emotional. Narcissistic behavior is brutal, relentless, and deliberate, and it would be safe to say that it is habitual in that the narcissist goes from one person to another sometimes in succession. Subsequently, the target either gives up and removes himself or herself from the situation altogether or develops the strength to fight back.

As a “survivor” of narcissistic targeting speaking directly to a person who may currently be in this destructive situation, understand that it is not you, nor is it about you. It is about the satisfaction that someone gets by asserting emotional, psychological, and mental control over someone he or she feels or believes can be easily manipulated. Understand, also, that there are steps you can take to not only diffuse the situation, but that will also help you to take back control and send a clear signal to the narcissist that you are stronger than you appear to be.

Should you ever find yourself the target of a narcissist, focus on the information above, and don’t play their game. Do not engage and don’t allow yourself to be provoked, because that is one of the main things that drives the narcissist. If he or she can’t get a response, it immediately diffuses the situation. Silence is sometimes the best response. Further, when you argue, you turn your power over to the narcissist. Remember, it takes at least two people to argue. Do not give the narcissist the satisfaction of a response if one is not absolutely warranted.

If, in dealing with a narcissist, you find yourself doubting your own strength and self-worth, think about the many achievements, accomplishments, and wins you have experienced throughout your life and career. If you need to, write a list of everything you can think of, and post it somewhere that you will see it every day, and use that list to speak affirmations about who you are: Strong, capable, accomplished, worthy, intelligent, and whatever other attributes you know you are.

The Bible tells us In Matthew 5:44 (KJV), “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” If you have a relationship with Jesus, pray and ask Him to give you the strength, wisdom, grace, and courage to get through the situation, to help you to pray for the person who is targeting you, and for Him to intervene on your behalf. Praying for someone who has made it a mission to bring you as much stress as possible is by no means easy. However, if you ask the Lord with a sincere heart, He will help you do it. I again speak from experience.

Lastly, surround yourself with people who will speak truth into your life, support and encourage you, and appreciate you for who you are rather than who others tell you you are not.

I won’t close by telling you, “You got this.” Whenever people tell me that, I simply respond, “God’s got this. I’m just along for the ride.”🦋